Lack of Spousal Support While Starting a Bookkeeping Biz

Spousal Support—or Lack Thereof

One last caveat: this obviously does not apply to all husbands or all men. But it does apply to some, and it is a very real struggle I want to address.

Some of the most successful people in my programs have actually had the exact opposite experience I’m about to discuss: some of them approached their husbands about their desire to do this when they themselves weren’t totally sold yet, and their husbands were like, “Of course you should do this!”

But today, we're going to talk about the opposite scenario. Because when I go through the applications for BABs, which include the question “What is your biggest challenge?”, the answer is often “Lack of support from my husband.”

Whenever they bring up the idea of quitting their corporate job and finding another way to make money so they can stay home, they and their partners argue about how risky it is or that the stress might impact their marriage, their kids, and the rest of their home life.

Now, these concerns are valid! It’s important to have answers for these things.

I personally am never going to push you into doing something that could put you in financial danger, make it so that it's hard for you to pay your bills, or create conflict in your family. That's never going to be something that I encourage.

I think that these should be marital decisions. I think that you should talk it through and take your time. But when it comes to finding a solution, it often depends on what you mean by “lack of support.”

I have four scenarios I want to walk through today. Use your own discernment, figure out which one sounds most like what you're dealing with, and then I’ll offer advice on how to handle it from there.

I am by no means a relationship expert, but I do understand the nuance of human behavior and interactions between people. So take what advice I have into account, use your own judgment, and possibly go find some other resources, too.

Four Scenarios, Four Solutions

The Echo

The first scenario for a lack of spousal support is the most innocent, and likely unintentional: the echo.

It is actually very likely that your husband is simply mirroring what you're giving them.

This happens a lot with people in general, not just husbands.

You know how it is when someone else is very excited and talking—a lot—about something you’re just not that interested in. You’re listening, sure, but you’re not listening that intently. You’re half listening, half doing something else. You’re not really thinking through your answers; you’re simply responding to what you’re hearing.

So you might be saying, “Hey, babe. I think I might want to start a bookkeeping business. It’s this much, and it might take this much time…and I don’t know, I’m just not really happy with where I’m at, and this might be good, but I’m not sure. What do you think?

But if they’re half-listening, they might not hear the desire and the bid for support behind those words; they’ll just mirror back what they’re hearing.

In this case, what they’re hearing from you is that you are full of doubt and insecurity about your decision. You're not clear and convicted. You're fearful. You're nervous. So when you say, “I want to do this, but I don’t know,” they’re going to go, “Yeah, that does sound risky.”

They’re not trying to put you down or showing a lack of confidence IN you—they’re just responding to the lack of confidence they’re hearing FROM you.

What I like about this scenario? Your work from here on is fairly simple. You just have to get yourself convicted.

Do a little bit more research. Slow it down. Get the confidence, get the answers, get a plan sorted out, then come back to them with confidence.

The Collaborator

The second scenario is more likely if you and your husband make most decisions together.

Maybe in your relationship, you collaborate on all of your decisions. So when you're talking to them, as you do about everything (which is purely healthy), and they're asking valid questions they think you already have the answers to, that’s not them expressing doubt—they’re just trying to get the whole picture.

If you don't have those answers, then the answer is the same as before: slow down and do your research so that the person who makes decisions with you can reach a clear decision on this, as well.

The Inconvenienced

Now, the third potential reason for lack of spousal support isn’t so innocent.

The third scenario for lack of spousal support is that this person that you're dealing with might be a little selfish, and they might be a little annoyed at what this change means for them.

Let’s say you're the breadwinner. You are responsible for maintaining the house, you're responsible for the children, you’re responsible for the financial side of things.

Realistically, you do have to figure out something in the transition. You're not quitting your job today and starting this new business, especially if you're the breadwinner, because you don't have that choice. And in that transitional period, if your partner is thinking mainly about how their life is going to change, they might get caught up in the impact on their current routines.

You’re going to have to spend some money while you’re working on getting your business started, which is also their money, which means you as a collective will have less money. You’re still going to have to do your usual job while also working on your business, so you’re going to have to make some sacrifices, and your partner might have to step up in certain areas.

So your partner might be thinking, “What am I going to have to do? Am I now responsible for dinner? Am I going to have to take the kids somewhere so that you can do something? Are you going to stay up late on your laptop next to me while I'm trying to sleep or watch a show?”

All in all, they might have an attitude of, “This isn't going to be super comfortable for me, and I'm annoyed about the inconvenience.”

This doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose—it’s not necessarily selfishness with vindictiveness behind it. I don't even know that they could pinpoint that they're annoyed at the idea that it might shake things up a bit, but it sounds uncomfortable, so they're not totally bought in, and therefore they're resistant.

If this is what you think might be happening, I'm just going to say it's a sucky situation. It's not fun. I’d even say it’s a red flag, but you're already there, right? This isn’t somebody that you're dating; this is your partner.

I hope it works for you long-term, but you might want to highlight the fact that it is not a good quality.

In any case, their lack of support for you might make you want to do it more. It might make you go, “Okay, they're not going to be the greatest supporter. I might literally just have to clone myself for a year and find a way to not inconvenience them with this, but still make the decision because I am entitled to make my decision.”

In that case, the advice I have is similar: sell yourself on the idea, figure it out, and maybe find a way to do it so it doesn't bother them too much. If it's not a safe space to ask them for the help that you could really use, if it's not going to be collaborative, that doesn’t mean you can’t do this for yourself. It just means you might have to figure out how you can navigate it while ruffling the fewest feathers, but also still taking your life in your own hands.

The reasons you want to do this are totally valid and realistic, and there is a way to get it done. When I was doing it, I wasn't getting a ton of extra support, so I understand the situation.

I understand what it's like to have a bunch of kids. I understand what it's like to work nine to five. I understand what it's like to grow a business. And I know it isn’t easy, but I also know you can build this without extra support.

The Controller

The fourth scenario surrounding a lack of spousal support is actually just ugly. Hopefully this situation is in the minority, but it does exist.

The last scenario around a lack of spousal support is when your spouse is a person who is controlling; someone who feels threatened by this potential shift in dynamic.

We covered this kind of scenario in a less intense sense; they could just be annoyed and unsupportive. They might be thinking only about themselves. But at the highest level, they might be controlling and acting threatened.

I hate that I don't have great resources for you on what to do in this situation. And I hate that it exists at all. But if you’re trying to pursue something that will increase your independence, your partner is opposing it, and the undertones are that they want to keep their control and power over you, this could get really dark and really ugly.

I'm sure that somebody reading this is in not only an emotionally dangerous situation, but a physically dangerous situation as well. And in those situations, it can be incredibly difficult to simply up and leave without being able to take your source of income with you.

You want to be prepared for the worst case scenario, which is abruptly being out on your own and abruptly needing to maintain your life for you and your kids and support yourself. And while you might be able to do that if you’re the primary breadwinner, the worst-case scenario also likely involves having to relocate—possibly quite abruptly. This will likely mean leaving your job behind, too—but if your job can go with you, you no longer have that obstacle.

Your own ability to earn money untethered to a place or person can save you from a lot of potential pain. And I think bookkeeping is a beautiful, beautiful business to be able to give you that.

How to Get the Support You Need

However, in most cases, a lack of spousal support comes down to logistical concerns—and those are easily put to rest if you spend the time to put all the information together.

The process is very simple: find the answers to your questions and your partner’s questions, sell yourself on the idea, come up with how you're going to pay for the initial investment, prepare to show up and do the work, understand you’re building something for yourself as well as your family, and keep that vision at the forefront.

If you have confidence in your ability to do this, a solid plan for getting yourself from Point A to Point B relatively painlessly, and can answer the questions you both have, I think you’ll find most husbands will be more supportive than you fear. A lot of it comes from a fear of change or the fear of the unknown, and once the mystery is taken out of the process, it’s much easier to get your head around.

In a safe situation, you can have these conversations and frame this as a partnership. You can emphasize how pursuing your goals benefits the whole family and not just you, which I would imagine is already being done. You can discuss ways to share responsibilities and work together for mutual success. And once you have a game plan, the whole thing becomes much more doable.

This was a hard topic to tackle, but I hope that you left with something valuable. And if you need some help getting your questions answered, feel free to send me a DM on Instagram, or check out the way I built my business by visiting https://www.katieferro.com/6-secrets.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

Want a peek behind the curtain into LIBBY, my program all about what it really takes to have a simple and scalable (and successful) bookkeeping business? Get access to my free, on-demand four-part series, 6 Secrets to a Simple, Scalable Bookkeeping Business: www.katieferro.com/6-secrets

Learn how to take your bookkeeping skills and turn them into a business that allows you to replace (or surpass) your corporate salary, be present for your life, and profoundly impact your clients without selling your life in the process by joining Life by the Books (LIBBY).

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